Dear Anytown Unified School District Board of Directors,
This office has been retained to recover a debt you have, with remarkable consistency, declined to acknowledge, dispute, or pay.
Per our records, the account was opened on the date your Board enacted Policy 000 (“The Policy”), which required citizens to waive an unspecified but deeply felt number of enumerated rights in exchange for three minutes of public comment. The original balance was modest. It has not stayed modest.
| Item | Amount | Status |
|---|---|---|
| Original constitutional violation | $1.00 | Unpaid |
| Daily compounding interest (2022–present) | Compounding | Unpaid |
| Late fee for ignoring certified mail | $50.00 | Unpaid |
| Late fee for ignoring the late fee | $75.00 | Unpaid |
| “We Saw You Roll Your Eyes at the Podium” surcharge | $12.00 | Unpaid |
| Mockery Differential Adjustment* | See below | Unpaid |
| Total Amount Due | See scientific notation, attached | |
*Per our actuarial team, being publicly mocked during a meeting while the underlying letter is never addressed generates its own unique interest category, which we have taken the liberty of calculating retroactively, hourly, in your favor, out of professional courtesy.
We would tell you the grand total, but per Section 4(b) of our internal policy, we’re waiting to see if you respond first.
Your Payment Options
This account has been reported to absolutely no credit bureau, because no such bureau tracks this, but we assure you the energy is the same. Failure to respond within 30 days will result in this letter being filed in a drawer, next to the last one, which was also filed in a drawer.
We remain, as always, professionally exhausted but administratively persistent.